dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
