I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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