Someone shit on the floor
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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