his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
