4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
