We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
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Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
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how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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