Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
