Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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