Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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