I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
