happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
