you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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