when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
