If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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