every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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