Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
