We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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