I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
