Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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