Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
