i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
