im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
i out mim tonsoeep
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