the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
