i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
