need another drink. this is the easiest way
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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