As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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