Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
