Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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