If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
