He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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