And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
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I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
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Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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