Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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