I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
