you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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