I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize