I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
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when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
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Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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