if you like me you must not know who I am
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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