I just pynch a tree in the face
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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