after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
