I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
