birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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