my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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