You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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