Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
