I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
