I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
