that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
