you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
