He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
