I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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