I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
