Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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