It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
