When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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