how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
