I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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