There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
